The feeling of being wanted…

The feeling of being needed…

Feelings I have never felt.  Feelings I feel I will never feel.  I feel no emotion of true love… love by family… love by friends… but never a single true love.

I gotta let go of this… I should stop searching for this.  It’s just making a bigger hole in my heart.  Maybe one I cannot fix.

Girls are nice, understanding, and they give an aura of happiness… at least in my experience.  But they also bring me pain… more pain than could be made up in happiness.

I jump into everything all the time (all my friends tell me this)… the reason I’m hurting… but forget the reasons.  I’m hurting now!  I can’t undo it… I can only fix it.  Not sure how to fix it ‘cause I’m blind with frustration.

If true happiness… true love… true anything… lies out there… please search for me.

But if not… I think I’ll be able to accept loneliness.  I may not need the type of love I look for.  I can move on… by myself.  I can have heart w/out heart.

I don’t have to receive anything to feel full.  Hopefully the feelings start numbing, and I can start to care less about my craving.

Tita Mela, uncle Steve, and Jamie went out of town for a little vacation… out to the skywalker ranch up in modesto… tita mela said it was okay to have some friends over… and that’s exactly why I asked her… swimming pool… pool table… video games… music… it was cool… chris helped me out mostly… then after Saturday, we crashed there… Sunday was pretty laid back… kinda sad that people didn’t show up or some flaked… but I totally believe in karma…

And how the golden rule works… “do unto others as you would like others to do onto you”… that kinda shit… i know I’ve flaked out a few times myself… and I think that’s why I’m being kicked in the ass like this… not just with this house party I just threw… but with even personal things… like girls I like… friends I’d like to make… just gets all ‘flaked’ away… I deserve it…

But not this much… I think I’ve had my fair share… why does life punish me more than I deserve?  It’s like the karma I ‘so called’ believe in… just works against me.

But back to the house party… oh yeah… I was gonna ask out that girl at ralph’s if she wanted to join us… but when it came to it… it seemed sketchy… the party would be around 9-10… she works till closing, probably 12… I can’t just ask her to go to some address… we don’t even know each other… I guess that’s my reason for not asking… but I have to step up next time… invite her to something… bowling… thrusday!... that has to be the moment…

It seems like all a loss for me… like I can already feel it coming… being ignored, pushed off in that fashion… how can I not feel like this?.... it’s happened the past couple times anyway… then like an idiot, trying to smash myself more… I give more chances than is necessary… all of this seems like I have to try to work against everything that’s logical… I try once, twice… more times… hurt myself every time I try… the logical thing is to stay away from things that bring pain… yet, I have to keep trying… makes you think if there’s a real match out there…

What doesn’t numb this type of pain is…. That I try my best to not be a jerk… try not to get bitter over all this pain… no matter how nice I try to be… keeping composure… no matter how many times my heart is hurt… treat the next girl as if it is a great pleasure to be in her presence… as if it is a gift to me… I must remain this way… no matter how much I fail… if it’s never meant to be… it’s never meant to be… but never disrespect any girl who gives me a chance.

Remember this.  Come back to this in times of bitterness.  On top of all… let the good times roll… even to let the bad times fade away.